Too many emotions, can't sleep.

[enemyofperfect]

They aren't even about anything, they're just -- sloshing around. Restlessly.

Ugh, brain, this is what I feed you fanfic for! Can't there be some part of the day dedicated to something other than feelings? Unconsciousness, for example, would be an excellent thing to devote at least part of the day to. I really do think.

*crawls back under the covers*

*hopes*

Comments

[erika]

the fact that we fan(girl/person) each other makes my life more livable, i just want you to know. i'm waiting with bated breath for your response to my offer of blood donation (PLEASE NOTE THE CORRECT USE OF BATED, BUT I'M SURE YOU WERE EXPECTING NOTHING LESS)

I was the one... who internalized these ideas so thoroughly that these days I'm told it's often impossible to tell whether I'm unhappy at all...

alshglsakhgla how do I keep figuring out so much and still find myself perpetually at sea

siiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiing ittttttt! This is why I will be in therapy for the next decade, because my self-criticism/self-concept is stuck at like, age 15 on permanent everyone-hates-me-woe-I-am-a-teenager levels of emo. I mean, it could be worse, I'm pretty sure I'm going to skip the whole "but who AM I" phase of 18-24ish emotional maturation but oh my GOD can't my psyche just slam some fucking doors, make a few 'your mom' jokes, say YOLO or whatever the kids are saying nowadays and then proceed to GROW UP?! WHY DO I HAVE TO ACTUALLY MAKE AN EFFORT I DON'T LIKE THINGS I HAVE TO DO

just sitting here thinking the whole mindfuck of "Oh yeah, I did actually succeed in my unspoken self-hurtful wishes to shut the fuck up and be completely inscrutable buuuuuuuuut—— that was a bad idea aaaaaaaaaaaaand—— now I don't know whether I'm actually this person or I'm the person I was before I succeeded at this" makes me want to take a nap.

OF COURSE YOU USE IT CORRECTLY YOU'RE YOU

[enemyofperfect]

I am v. glad this arrangement of mutual squee works for you, because I am just going to fanperson you indefinitely, all evidence suggests. Are there other ways of conversing with congenial people? I'm pretty sure there are -- I'm pretty sure I'm even capable of them -- but my question is basically, why?

You know what, I'm just going to answer you here about the blood thing, because your other comment has THINKY THOUGHTS IN IT that deserve consideration and stuff, and I might be running low. But tragically there is not much to say, because I don't know my own blood type, so as exquisitely heroic as your idea is, I have no idea whether it's theoretically feasible -- although allow me to assure you that in my own sleep deprived state, I wholly appreciate the poetry of the impulse. ♥

The really really deeply bizarre thing for me is that I seem to... somehow... have largely stopped hating myself for my weaknesses/flaws? I mean, I still fear that they will inevitably render me unacceptable to all of humankind, but only at the same time that I'm like: but that's a shame, because honestly I'm kind of an all right person. Which... does that actually relate to what you just said? I'm not sure it does. BUT REGARDLESS, absolutely agreed about, one, the valuable time and effort saved by having to spend all these hours and years laboriously figuring out the insides of our own heads -- OH WAIT, I guess that doesn't actually add up to saved anything? But at least we're working on it! And also, two: why can't it stop being so challenging and also ongoing, I think it would be very nice for it to be easy for a little while. Damn it.

WHY DO I HAVE TO ACTUALLY MAKE AN EFFORT I DON'T LIKE THINGS I HAVE TO DO

This is my life.

I think I am some kind of person, probably; that is a claim I feel relatively comfortable making. Possibly in time I will feel both capable of describing that person and pretty happy about that person's qualities. In the meantime, however: oceans of poorly-differentiated feels. Are pretty much what I've got.

Re: OF COURSE YOU USE IT CORRECTLY YOU'RE YOU

[erika]

I mean, I still fear that they will inevitably render me unacceptable to all of humankind, but only at the same time that I'm like: but that's a shame, because honestly I'm kind of an all right person.

YES. I FEEL THIS. it's so weird! on the one hand, i'm still convinced everyone will reject me inevitably, on the other hand, i'm like "which is really not my fault; i tried my bestttttttt :("

I really like things I only have to think about, and talking about those things. All other things that require effort are shitty.

I think I am some kind of person, probably; that is a claim I feel relatively comfortable making. Possibly in time I will feel both capable of describing that person and pretty happy about that person's qualities.

This is how I'm going to describe myself to my next therapist.

[enemyofperfect]

I really like things I only have to think about, and talking about those things. All other things that require effort are shitty.

how do you keep saying things that are so true