Too many emotions, can't sleep.
May. 27th, 2013 07:46 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
enemyofperfectThey aren't even about anything, they're just -- sloshing around. Restlessly.
Ugh, brain, this is what I feed you fanfic for! Can't there be some part of the day dedicated to something other than feelings? Unconsciousness, for example, would be an excellent thing to devote at least part of the day to. I really do think.
*crawls back under the covers*
*hopes*
Ugh, brain, this is what I feed you fanfic for! Can't there be some part of the day dedicated to something other than feelings? Unconsciousness, for example, would be an excellent thing to devote at least part of the day to. I really do think.
*crawls back under the covers*
*hopes*
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Date: 2013-09-20 09:33 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2013-09-20 09:55 am (UTC)I have the weirdest relationship with emotions; on the one hand, I'm forever awash in them, and on the other hand, it's alarming how infrequently I can say what they are. It's just so difficult. Fanfic is much easier.
Fanfic (I defy you to laugh at me) makes sense.
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Date: 2013-09-20 10:04 am (UTC)Here. I saw you were having some emotions, so I made you a sandwich...?
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Date: 2013-09-20 10:27 am (UTC)*dies of laughter*
*recovers, munches the sandwich of thoughtfulness* It's so intriguing to consider the possibility that I could qualify for spacetoasterdom, or even a spot somewhere along the spacetoaster spectrum. I mean, I adore reading about them, certainly, but I think I always figured I was too prone to random tearful outbursts to qualify... and possibly failed to update my self-image in the, uh, decade? plus? since emoting too much has been my primary problem.
I want to say that I adore feelings -- as long as I get breaks from them occasionally -- but then I think about the fact that expressions of emotion I find subtle and affecting are in some cases actually invisible to other people, and... hmm.
(Can I just say that I adore having these occasional wildly multi-threaded, semi-realtime conversations over DW with you? I mean, why discuss just one thing when you can discuss seven? It's awesome.)
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Date: 2013-09-20 10:34 am (UTC)AGREEMENT ON THE UPDATING SELF IMAGE. Josh keeps telling me that I should be MORE forthcoming with my emotions and my problems and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME but actually I think the problem is I don't know me. I've successfully repressed all of my emotions! YES. except now I'm Spock from the Reboot movies—SHIT SHIT SHIT, NO, YOU LISTEN BITCH-SELF, I DO NOT HAVE FEELINGS I JUST NEED TO GO BEAT SOMETHING UP REALLY A LOT.
re: 7 different places: YES BECAUSE YOU ARE ONE OF MY FAVORITE PEOPLE ON DW, RIGHT?! And then if I drop a thread, I know I'll be able to comment on it somewhere else. Just watch me start talking about my home decor and my 1500 books all over your entry from 6 months ago (so that's what she bought with her money while living with her parents... books? Au contraire!——I ALSO BOUGHT REALLY EXPENSIVE CLOTHES).
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Date: 2013-09-20 10:56 am (UTC)It's just so CONFUSING. I was the melodramatic one, okay? I was the one who got upset over nothing! I was the one... who internalized these ideas so thoroughly that these days I'm told it's often impossible to tell whether I'm unhappy at all...
alshglsakhgla how do I keep figuring out so much and still find myself perpetually at sea
Oh my gosh, all my six-month old entries should be blessed with spontaneous conversations about your spending habits. Or not your spending habits specifically, but perhaps the art of bonsai, or the best species of bird -- I mean, whatever, really. BUT DO YOU ACTUALLY HAVE 1500 BOOKS, OR IS THAT A NUMBER YOU MADE UP? Because in either case I respect and admire you, but if it's the former then I respect and admire you TIMES... LOTS.
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Date: 2013-09-20 11:03 am (UTC)I was the one... who internalized these ideas so thoroughly that these days I'm told it's often impossible to tell whether I'm unhappy at all...
alshglsakhgla how do I keep figuring out so much and still find myself perpetually at sea
siiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiing ittttttt! This is why I will be in therapy for the next decade, because my self-criticism/self-concept is stuck at like, age 15 on permanent everyone-hates-me-woe-I-am-a-teenager levels of emo. I mean, it could be worse, I'm pretty sure I'm going to skip the whole "but who AM I" phase of 18-24ish emotional maturation but oh my GOD can't my psyche just slam some fucking doors, make a few 'your mom' jokes, say YOLO or whatever the kids are saying nowadays and then proceed to GROW UP?! WHY DO I HAVE TO ACTUALLY MAKE AN EFFORT I DON'T LIKE THINGS I HAVE TO DO
just sitting here thinking the whole mindfuck of "Oh yeah, I did actually succeed in my unspoken self-hurtful wishes to shut the fuck up and be completely inscrutable buuuuuuuuut—— that was a bad idea aaaaaaaaaaaaand—— now I don't know whether I'm actually this person or I'm the person I was before I succeeded at this" makes me want to take a nap.
OF COURSE YOU USE IT CORRECTLY YOU'RE YOU
Date: 2013-09-20 11:34 am (UTC)You know what, I'm just going to answer you here about the blood thing, because your other comment has THINKY THOUGHTS IN IT that deserve consideration and stuff, and I might be running low. But tragically there is not much to say, because I don't know my own blood type, so as exquisitely heroic as your idea is, I have no idea whether it's theoretically feasible -- although allow me to assure you that in my own sleep deprived state, I wholly appreciate the poetry of the impulse. ♥
The really really deeply bizarre thing for me is that I seem to... somehow... have largely stopped hating myself for my weaknesses/flaws? I mean, I still fear that they will inevitably render me unacceptable to all of humankind, but only at the same time that I'm like: but that's a shame, because honestly I'm kind of an all right person. Which... does that actually relate to what you just said? I'm not sure it does. BUT REGARDLESS, absolutely agreed about, one, the valuable time and effort saved by having to spend all these hours and years laboriously figuring out the insides of our own heads -- OH WAIT, I guess that doesn't actually add up to saved anything? But at least we're working on it! And also, two: why can't it stop being so challenging and also ongoing, I think it would be very nice for it to be easy for a little while. Damn it.
This is my life.
I think I am some kind of person, probably; that is a claim I feel relatively comfortable making. Possibly in time I will feel both capable of describing that person and pretty happy about that person's qualities. In the meantime, however: oceans of poorly-differentiated feels. Are pretty much what I've got.
Re: OF COURSE YOU USE IT CORRECTLY YOU'RE YOU
Date: 2013-09-21 04:04 pm (UTC)YES. I FEEL THIS. it's so weird! on the one hand, i'm still convinced everyone will reject me inevitably, on the other hand, i'm like "which is really not my fault; i tried my bestttttttt :("
I really like things I only have to think about, and talking about those things. All other things that require effort are shitty.
I think I am some kind of person, probably; that is a claim I feel relatively comfortable making. Possibly in time I will feel both capable of describing that person and pretty happy about that person's qualities.
This is how I'm going to describe myself to my next therapist.
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Date: 2013-09-24 07:59 am (UTC)how do you keep saying things that are so true
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Date: 2013-09-20 11:11 am (UTC)Came to the idea of 1000 by estimating based on size. I have three of the same type of bookshelves that are completely full and double-stacked (i.e. hardbacks behind the front stacks of paperbacks, or two stacks of paperbacks on one shelf) so I'm estimating that they all have three hundred books (300) apiece. (There are 2 shelves on each of these 3 bookcase that contain six stacks of ~12 paperbacks each. It's like a word problem! I like math when I'm calculating how many books I own :D :D :D) I have one bookshelf that probably only has 150 because it's mostly hardbacks, so that's roughly 1050.
Shortly before/after the move, I donated roughly 250 romance novels to my mother who is SUPPOSEDLY taking them to goodwill (riiiight) and I know she still had about 75 or 100 of my books before I moved out that she hasn't given back, so that's 350. Total of roughly 1400 books and I'm pretty sure there's another 50 or so hanging around my parents' house. You might think I'm joking but I had books in laundry baskets, books in boxes that otherwise contained nothing but clothes, books in boxes of sex toys, books in with my yarn, books in suitcases that I hadn't opened since I came back from California 6 years ago... and of course the 4 bookshelves worth, so I'm sure there are at least 50 still loitering around my parents' house, ready to fall on unsuspecting prey.
Also, uh, remember what I got arrested for? Yeah, what did you think I was stealing? >_>
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Date: 2013-09-21 10:54 am (UTC)-lots of books
-A+ estimating skills
-take inquiries about your books VERY SERIOUSLY
-have stored books with sex toys
-no but seriously that last item
Yeah, I knew I liked you.
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Date: 2013-09-21 03:54 pm (UTC)the real problem here is that the rest of the house is still so unorganized i can't justify alphabetizing my books by author and then within author, by series order. :(
also of course i store books with sex toys where do you think my erotica and slash magazines are?
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Date: 2013-09-24 07:54 am (UTC)(Actually, I don't understand saving dessert for last. Sweet things make great appetizers! But, ahem.)
I kind of think that storing any books with sex toys would be appropriate -- well okay, not books about things that are turn-offs. But any other books! WORDS ARE SEXY.