enemyofperfect: a spray of orange leaves against a muted background (Default)
For me. I don't feel any particular resentment towards the season; in fact, I spend a fair amount of it not feeling much of anything at all. Emotions require energy, is the thing, and I'm in very short supply of that. In a way it's freeing: at other times of year, when I think of something I might do, it exists as an actual possibility, with all the potential for anxiety and guilt that that entails, but now I just think, ahahahahaha -- no, and tell myself to hold that thought until I am no longer living in a light-starved hell.

Yesterday I ate a chocolate bar, which is notable because doing so required me to first open the wrapper, something which in the preceding days I had not found the wherewithal to do.

I promise you that this is very funny when you are the person living it.

I do actually have some energy. My shoulders ache from snow shoveling, which is good, because I got that ache being very careful about my technique so as to avoid wrenching my back. I spent a couple of hours rolling around in a wonderful horrible new plotbunny today -- I'm not going to write it, but it's good to know that at least my ideas haven't dried up. I even, unrelatedly, managed to make someone laugh.

I keep thinking of posts I might make -- about recent events on Person of Interest; about the fact that Almost Human is eating my brain; and then there's one I really do want to write someday, even if it's in a very disorganized fashion, about some of the zillion and one largely disparate factors that seem to contribute to whether a given story is judged "good" -- but I guess I'm making this one instead.

(Edited to capitalize the last word of Person of Interest. Oh touchscreen keyboard, don't you know it's unkind to kick a person when they're down?)
enemyofperfect: a spray of orange leaves against a muted background (Default)
It's super much a pain in the neck. You'd think that would be obvious, and I guess it is, but the details of it still take me by surprise sometimes. Like: not feeling as interested in things, having positive emotions fade much more quickly, wanting to cry more often and for less reason, these are all pretty much what you'd expect. But the part where about 40 - 80% of my capacity for complex social and moral reasoning goes offline when my emotions have fallen into a pit, that part had somehow slipped my mind.

It's inconvenient. I mean, not in a way where I'm going to start stealing candy from babies or anything, it's easy to remember the obvious rules. But in the first place, my brain is in general somewhat foggier than I'd like right now, and in the second place, my usual method of trying to put myself in other people's shoes falls kind of flat when the answer to every iteration of "And how would I feel about X if I were Y?" comes out "Somewhere between bleak and despairing, probably." Maybe if I were a more logic-based person it wouldn't matter so much, but I'm not -- I run primarily on feelings, and that means that in the unfortunate event that what I feel flatlines, I'm essentially working in the dark. Which I hate.

Blah.

(Obligatory unreassuring really, I'm fine postscript: Really, I am fine. I'm kind of sad and tired a lot of the time, with forays into the aforementioned despairing and bleak, but I'm keeping my therapist updated, I'm using my light box, and I'm remembering that any line of reasoning that ends "therefore, you're a terrible person and a waste of space, Q.E.D." must have taken a wrong turn somewhere along the way. So I am, at minimum, doing pretty awesomely at coping with my not-fineness. Yay?)
enemyofperfect: a spray of orange leaves against a muted background (Default)
I would like to wish a happy Thank Fuck, The Sun Is Finally On Its Way Back Day to my fellow northerners.

I hope those of you living in other parts of the world have a nice day too.

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