I hate depression.
Oct. 17th, 2013 09:24 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
enemyofperfectIt's super much a pain in the neck. You'd think that would be obvious, and I guess it is, but the details of it still take me by surprise sometimes. Like: not feeling as interested in things, having positive emotions fade much more quickly, wanting to cry more often and for less reason, these are all pretty much what you'd expect. But the part where about 40 - 80% of my capacity for complex social and moral reasoning goes offline when my emotions have fallen into a pit, that part had somehow slipped my mind.
It's inconvenient. I mean, not in a way where I'm going to start stealing candy from babies or anything, it's easy to remember the obvious rules. But in the first place, my brain is in general somewhat foggier than I'd like right now, and in the second place, my usual method of trying to put myself in other people's shoes falls kind of flat when the answer to every iteration of "And how would I feel about X if I were Y?" comes out "Somewhere between bleak and despairing, probably." Maybe if I were a more logic-based person it wouldn't matter so much, but I'm not -- I run primarily on feelings, and that means that in the unfortunate event that what I feel flatlines, I'm essentially working in the dark. Which I hate.
Blah.
(Obligatory unreassuring really, I'm fine postscript: Really, I am fine. I'm kind of sad and tired a lot of the time, with forays into the aforementioned despairing and bleak, but I'm keeping my therapist updated, I'm using my light box, and I'm remembering that any line of reasoning that ends "therefore, you're a terrible person and a waste of space, Q.E.D." must have taken a wrong turn somewhere along the way. So I am, at minimum, doing pretty awesomely at coping with my not-fineness. Yay?)
It's inconvenient. I mean, not in a way where I'm going to start stealing candy from babies or anything, it's easy to remember the obvious rules. But in the first place, my brain is in general somewhat foggier than I'd like right now, and in the second place, my usual method of trying to put myself in other people's shoes falls kind of flat when the answer to every iteration of "And how would I feel about X if I were Y?" comes out "Somewhere between bleak and despairing, probably." Maybe if I were a more logic-based person it wouldn't matter so much, but I'm not -- I run primarily on feelings, and that means that in the unfortunate event that what I feel flatlines, I'm essentially working in the dark. Which I hate.
Blah.
(Obligatory unreassuring really, I'm fine postscript: Really, I am fine. I'm kind of sad and tired a lot of the time, with forays into the aforementioned despairing and bleak, but I'm keeping my therapist updated, I'm using my light box, and I'm remembering that any line of reasoning that ends "therefore, you're a terrible person and a waste of space, Q.E.D." must have taken a wrong turn somewhere along the way. So I am, at minimum, doing pretty awesomely at coping with my not-fineness. Yay?)
