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enemyofperfectI wonder if I'm moving into a depressed period. It seems awfully early for it if it's seasonal -- we're still days away from September, let alone the equinox! -- but it dawns on me that while it's completely ordinary for me to hesitate to speak for fear that whatever I say might be wrong, or to freeze like the proverbial deer in headlights, there has lately been an added sleepy reluctance to my thoughts that feels less like anxiety and more like depression.
Which would also fit with my mild inability to imagine the future in positive terms, or possibly at all.
(For those of you skilled at detecting even trace amounts of suicidal ideation: yeah. Only trace amounts, though. For those who hadn't considered the possibility but may now feel alarmed: I appreciate it, but there's really no need. This is pretty well-mapped territory for me, and I know where the sinkholes are. I will find a way to be okay.)
It would also fit with being told the other day that I sounded like I did last winter, come to think of it. I don't really remember how I felt last winter, not in general; I'm pretty sure I did some things I felt good about and felt frustrated and unhappy about other things, but it's hard for me to get a sense of where I was overall. Apparently I didn't seem to feel entirely great, though. So that's another data point.
If this does prove to be more than a transient wobble, I'm going to have to rearrange my coping mechanisms again -- rely less on nervous energy, remember how to use resignation to my advantage, that sort of thing. I feel exhausted just thinking about it, frankly, but identifying the problem is the first step towards addressing it.
And we'll see how I feel in a few days, in any case.
Which would also fit with my mild inability to imagine the future in positive terms, or possibly at all.
(For those of you skilled at detecting even trace amounts of suicidal ideation: yeah. Only trace amounts, though. For those who hadn't considered the possibility but may now feel alarmed: I appreciate it, but there's really no need. This is pretty well-mapped territory for me, and I know where the sinkholes are. I will find a way to be okay.)
It would also fit with being told the other day that I sounded like I did last winter, come to think of it. I don't really remember how I felt last winter, not in general; I'm pretty sure I did some things I felt good about and felt frustrated and unhappy about other things, but it's hard for me to get a sense of where I was overall. Apparently I didn't seem to feel entirely great, though. So that's another data point.
If this does prove to be more than a transient wobble, I'm going to have to rearrange my coping mechanisms again -- rely less on nervous energy, remember how to use resignation to my advantage, that sort of thing. I feel exhausted just thinking about it, frankly, but identifying the problem is the first step towards addressing it.
And we'll see how I feel in a few days, in any case.
