hello again, world

[enemyofperfect]

I didn't mean to fall off the internet, but I did. Not all at once -- weirdly, I managed to post a couple of fics after going quiet here, which seems exactly backwards to how my energy and anxiety usually work.

But it does make sense in a way. What's felt hardest for me is consistency, showing up reliably in the ways that I want to, and since I'd written a couple of oneshots, I didn't have to worry about much besides throwing them on the archive. Whereas here -- and despite the username I picked because I knew I needed the reminder -- it's easier to feel like if I'm going to X, I should also Y and Z, and then I end up giving up on the post before the whole alphabet comes down on my head.

In 2025, I want to try to remember that something is usually better than all-or-nothing. If I can show up sporadically or not at all, I want to try poking my head out at least sometimes.

The cats continue to be a source of joy, by the way. It's very difficult to take good pictures of them when they're awake, but here's one of them snuggled adorably. ♥

Two brown tabby cats sleeping with their faces snuggled together. One is tucked neatly on her side; the other is half turned onto his back with his soft belly fur showing and one front paw curled in.

Comments

[catharsis_logs]

Hey! I'm glad you're okay, my worry-wart brain was a lil worried *sweats*

I definitely know what you mean about the feelings of 'if I do this I must do this Properly or else I am a Fail', it speaks to my anxiety about... basically anything I do lmao

I think that it's important to avoid burn out and compassion fatigue especially due to the ways in which the world is behaving currently :/ :P

Pets make (mostly) everything better. I've finally *finally* got a little doggie, and my sister has gotten (suprisingly to us both) a lovely black cat. I'm so glad your little ones can create some joy for you <3

Edit: I was also thinking about you especially recently because I think you've talked before about really enjoying C. J. Cherryh's writing? Is that correct? Because I have been devouring the Foreigner series of books (hopefully the rest of the series I ordered in the mail comes soon!).

[enemyofperfect]

Anxious person solidarity! *fistbump* You're absolutely right about avoiding burnout right now. It's important, and it's difficult, and I'm working on it, I guess I can say at least?

But I'm so happy to hear you have a dog! Please tell me everything about them (or if you've talked about them in a post already, let me know)! I'm happy for your sister and her cat, too! How do cat and dog get along so far?

And yes, you remember absolutely correctly about my being a C J Cherryh fan! How far have you gotten in the Foreigner series by now? I feel like Bren's point of view is one of the best representations of the experience of chronic anxiety I've seen in fiction, so maybe it's not surprising that we both really like his story, haha!

Even though it's taken me a long time to respond, it really brightened my day to see your comment. Thank you so much for reaching out!

[catharsis_logs]

*enthusiastic fistbump* Baby steps are still steps! (something I tell myself) Anything is better than nothing. The only slop and cringe is AI art/writing.

Her name is Poppy and she is a teeny-tiny short-haired chihuahua. I adopted her from a shelter and me and my sis speculate that she escaped from a back-yard breeder. The rescue picked her up living on the streets in my state (and I'm blown away that no one just picked her up and took her home with them!) so she was very underweight when we got her (about four pounds) but she's up to a healthy five pounds now! Vet says that she's between 3 and 5 years old according to the condition of her teeth so she's 4-6 now. Kitty and Doggie get along fairly well. No huge fights, though Poppy gets snappish sometimes (she's a very stereotypical chihuahua sometimes, crankiness and all). Every time anyone else meets her they ask how old she is because she is pretty puppy-sized and she looks like a very skinny pointy-eared doberman in fur coloring. Here's a link to an article with a picture at the top that looks almost exactly like her except her tail is a bit shorter and she's a little more appleheaded: https://dogleashpro.com/breeds/doberman-chihuahua-mix/



I'm on book 14: Protector in the Foreigner series right now, about half-way through. I love Bren. I think he's actually one of the first characters in a long time that I just love. And yes the poor guy actually getting to relax is such a rarity lmao. I actually joke with my sister that pretty much every book so far has me saying "Poor Bren!" XDD I love him and his aishid so much that I'm becoming very anxious about really bad things happening to any of them and the other characters like Tabini (though Tabini had to grow on me a little).

Cajeiri is a good character too because he really gives the reader a glimpse into the mind of an ateva. I think what Cherryh impresses me the most about is how much she teaches me when I'm reading and not in a telling me straight out (trying to avoid saying 'the reader' and turning this into an impromptu essay lmao) way. I feel that my understanding grew along with Bren's understanding. I actually have little receipt markers in some of the earlier books in places that helped me to better understand the atevi viewpoint and how Bren interprets the atevi viewpoint and I'm still learning stuff! Bren assimilating into this culture that experiences things in a biologically different way is fascinating and it's interesting to sit on the idea that we will never be able to experience true point-of-view immersion from any other literal person, seeing from another's eye and/or with another's body is impossible.

I think the hurdle/concept that I'm still slightly stuck on is the lack of "friend", "love", and "like(ing)" in the atevi viewpoint/emotional life. Appreciation is definitely something they feel. They're 'drawn towards' and 'value' other people. I think the closest analogue I can come to is some modern paranormal novels/series with werepeople that have the Alpha/Underling kind of dynamic. Bonding almost unintentionally (and I think can be against their will) with the leader and staying in and valuing belonging to certain roles/castes, and needing that reciprocal bond with the 'Alpha' and the 'Alpha' is to some extent instinctually drawn towards fulfilling the needs of the 'underlings'. Does that sound close-ish to you?

It's funny, I've been wanted to look at what other people have to say up but this is such a long-running series that I'm pretty sure spoilers will come along with it and I am desperate to avoid spoilers. I'm even not reading the back summary of the books I'm on because they stress me out and sometimes they're wrong lmao.

Where I'm at: Cajeiri is about to have his fortunate ninth birthday. The three human kids plus Jace and his guards have come down from the station and they're all currently at Tatiseigi's place and Ilisidi is scheming something (when is she not).

I'm finding myself wishing that I'd gotten into this series a lot earlier while it was running but alas as a kid/when I was young(er) I wasn't that interested in politics, though I did see the books here and there and ended up instead reading a small part of a series that ended up turning into "literal Mormon aliens" which was... disappointing.

I'm also on a new anti-anxiety medication that is helping quite a bit with my executive function problems. It took me a frustratingly long time to realize that being scared all the time was something I might be able to change, and that constant anxiety/fear can affect energy levels! I still have energy problems, but now I'm able to actually read books and play games and not just resort to reading fanfic all the time. Hell, I actually participated in a Big Bang this year (that I still have to finish but I managed the posting of the part that was required for it) and I'm trying to do things that scare me. I applied for several jobs (didn't get either (so far)) and I've actually been inspired by Cherryh and others to maybe just maybe start writing and publishing stuff of my own eventually... maybe. So things are actually going fairly well (as long as I don't think about my country's current politics and the state of the natural worldhahahhahahah!!!!!!).

Thank you for reading this and letting me blab! <3 <3 <3

Have you been okay? I hope things have been going well for you or at least not badly? Have you been reading/enjoying anything particularly recently?