Snowflake Challenge #4: Goals

[enemyofperfect]

I'm not usually much for setting explicit goals, a fact which I think causes some sorrow to my more organized friends and family members. But there are a few things I'm hoping to work towards this year!

The most concrete is Chocolate Box: I've signed up, I'm super excited about my assignment, Chocolate Box is definitely happening! And since that's a commitment to other people, I know I'm definitely going to write and finish something this year -- which isn't always a given for me! -- and that's a good feeling even apart from whatever awesome gift I'm going to get.

The most terrifying is definitely that I should probably try and see about learning to drive. I never did before, because I have Anxiety and driving a Large Metal Box at High Speeds was always kind of a turn off, but unfortunately, it's also a pretty useful skill to have. So... I've told my therapist I'm going to get serious about it; I've found a place that specializes in nervous students, of which I am definitely going to be one; and... I guess we'll see where that takes me?

The most annoyingly practical but likely to benefit my daily life is that I want to try, literally for the first time in my life, to get my physical belongings organized. This is going to be tough when I have no idea what an organized living space actually looks like! And also when there are piles in my room that are so covered in dust that they're viscerally unpleasant to deal with. But my hope is that if I keep chipping away at it, eventually I might start to figure out what I might need in a system that works for me.

Contrariwise, the most intangible while also likely to improve my life is working on connecting with other people. This one is already off to a great start with the folks I've met through st_aurafina's friending meme and the snowflake_challenge! And I'm also hoping to do a somewhat better job of reaching out to friends and family I haven't stayed in touch with as much as I'd like. I guess at the same time, I'm also hoping to improve the quality of my existing relationships by being a little bit more aware of my own needs and interests, instead of putting quite so much effort into taking care of other people even to the exclusion of my own needs. It's a little bit scary, but I think it's also going to be good.

And finally, the goal that's the most likely to give me a tiny irrational smile when I think about it is just to try and get back in the habit of exercising in ways that work my muscles and make me stronger. I've spent a lot of time feeling really unhappy about my body, and my dysphoria still isn't a thing of the past, but it feels good to know that with practice, I can get stronger and more physically capable, and that my body isn't just a static form I'm trapped in, but a dynamic system that can change in ways I feel good about. So that's something I want to work on too!

And you know, this entry actually felt a lot better to write than I was expecting, so points to snowflake_challenge once again. ♥

Comments

[st_aurafina]

I've found a place that specializes in nervous students

Good luck with the driving lessons - I hope the nervous student school works out well.

I've been strength training since last year, and it is so good for my brain. Like, a little reminder that this body I generally see as a bit faily is actually pretty damn awesome sometimes in some ways.

[enemyofperfect]

Like, a little reminder that this body I generally see as a bit faily is actually pretty damn awesome sometimes in some ways.

Yes! And even the little victories feel so good, I'm finding. It's just nice to realize there can be good things here, too.

[shipperslist]

I don’t have a driver’s license and I’m not planning on getting one. I feel you.

Have you heard of Unfuck Your Habitat? It’s on tumbleh (or at least it used to be) and many of my friends have found it useful.

Good luck with your goals! ☺️

[enemyofperfect]

Non-driver solidarity! If I lived in a better area for public transportation, I would absolutely be sticking with that for life.

And thank you for the rec! Sometimes I've bounced off their style in the past, but it's always nice to have the reminder that I'm not the only one dealing with these things. ^_^

[amovingtarget]

I've found a place that specializes in nervous students, of which I am definitely going to be one

This is such a good idea! I'm proud of you for thinking of it!!!

my body isn't just a static form I'm trapped in, but a dynamic system that can change in ways I feel good about

\o/

[enemyofperfect]

Oh no, you're so kind!! ♥

[perspi]

Wow, that's a great list! I'm so glad Snowflake is helping you with connecting with others already -- you'll love tomorrow's challenge! :D

And best of luck with all the rest -- I know how trying to organize a physical space can feel overwhelming and anxiety-provoking, but I like your approach to chipping away at it. Small bits of unfucking will help you figure out what works -- you can do it!!

[enemyofperfect]

Aww, I'll definitely have to look forward to #5, then!

And thanks for the good wishes and encouragement. Every little bit helps!

[scytale]

I'm another non-driver with a lot of anxiety about it, so I get that feeling. I did actually learn to drive, but I've done my best to forget it. I'm fortunate enough to live in a place with good public transport.

Good luck! Cheering you on for that and your other goals. :)

[enemyofperfect]

I did actually learn to drive, but I've done my best to forget it. I'm fortunate enough to live in a place with good public transport.

You're living the dream! But seriously, thank you -- I can use all the encouragement I can get!

[ursula]

Nice user name! :)

[runicmagitek]

As someone who has had anxiety around driving for one reason or another their entire life, I can say it gets better the more you do it. The first time I drove on the highway, I started crying because I was so nervous. I'm still not good with long distance drives, but the more I drove in general, the less anxious I was about like, going down the street to grab milk or whatever. So best of luck with! I know it's incredibly difficult, but you can do it!

[enemyofperfect]

I really appreciate you weighing in with your experience! It's one thing to get reassurance from someone who was always more or less comfortable with the idea of driving, and another to hear that the anxiety is real, but it also really can get better. So thank you!

[pauraque]

I didn't learn to drive until I was in my 30s either. When I lived in San Francisco, I knew a lot of other people who didn't drive because the alternatives were cheaper/easier/greener, so I could just say those were my reasons too... but the real reason was anxiety. Then I moved to an area with effectively zero public transit, and relying on other people to drive me around was really inconvenient, so I finally bit the bullet and learned.

I've been driving for a few years now, and, well, sometimes it still makes me anxious. Driving in unfamiliar places or bad weather conditions can be nerve-wracking, and I will take detours to avoid certain busy intersections that freak me out. But it is very convenient to be able to do it, and gives me a lot of freedom I didn't have before, as well as the ability to help other people out by being the hero who gives them a ride!

Good luck with it. I hope you find a suitable teacher and it goes well for you!

[enemyofperfect]

I actually really appreciate your saying that you avoid particularly tricky intersections, because in the typical tunnel vision of my anxiety, it just... had not occurred to me that that could be an option? When of course it is! Being theoretically able to drive doesn't mean I would have to perform all driving tasks no matter how intimidating, and detours and waiting for better weather are often possible. What a freeing thought.

And yes, I'm totally motivated by the idea of being able to help other people out with a ride. Thank you, these are some great thoughts to keep in mind going forward!

[talkingtothesky]

*waves* Hi! I just wanted to say that I also have avoided getting driving lessons because of Anxiety. I have enough trouble with hesitating as a pedestrian. I don't want to find myself stuck unable to get onto a roundabout because I'm just too afraid to move, and holding up everyone behind me while I wait for the next gap. Ideally I would just drive when all the roads are completely empty of other vehicles, which is not realistic. So yeah, huge props to you for having the courage to do this. If you felt like updating us on how it's going later in the year, that would be great, but no pressure of course.

Also I relate to this 10000%: piles in my room that are so covered in dust that they're viscerally unpleasant to deal with
The only step towards dealing I've taken so far is to buy a stack of cleaning cloths and leave them in a drawer :P

Best of luck with all your goals! This year's my first time doing Chocolate Box - I was really lucky and already finished my assignment, yay!

[enemyofperfect]

Aww, thank you so much for weighing in! I'm definitely... not a person who's always great with spatial awareness and motor planning, and that's part of my hesitation about the whole thing driving thing. But I really appreciate the encouragement. I'll try and remember to give an update later on!

The only step towards dealing I've taken so far is to buy a stack of cleaning cloths and leave them in a drawer :P

Hahaha, I can really relate to that. I got some cardboard boxes to make a neater alternative to random heaps of unsorted things, and they are still waiting patiently for me to do anything with them. You have my sympathy and commiseration!

But also, that's really awesome about your getting your Chocolate Box assignment done so quickly. Go you! \o/

[phoenixfalls]

I didn't learn to drive until relatively late, for similar reasons; I got my license and then continued to not drive because it was still pretty anxiety-inducing and I could get around without driving well enough; and then I got a job 40+ miles from my house, so I had to throw myself into it.

It was kind of terrifying! I don't recommend it! But it did make me acknowledge that I should have just taken my mom's advice way earlier on: when there's no time pressure, pick a route you know and just drive it over and over; knowing the route in advance means you can focus just on the new-to-you part of handling the vehicle, and getting comfortable handling the vehicle that way makes it easier when you have to start driving some place you *don't* know the route.

After a couple weeks of white-knuckling it through my commute, never varying from the first route I memorized, there was this click moment when I realized that my body was starting to know what it was doing, without me consciously having to tell it: "Pull the wheel a teeny bit to the right. No, a teeny bit more. No, too far! Go back to the left! AH OTHER CAR ENTERING LANE - BRAKE" and so on.

But, um, I definitely don't recommend picking a forty-mile-each-way rush-hour commute for your starter route? For blood pressure reasons. Like, commit to driving to the grocery store and turning around in their parking lot every day or something. :D

But it is a totally doable thing, learning to drive! And it gives you a LOT more freedom. And now I legitimately love driving and use my commute as decompression time. So good luck, and hopefully you'll find that it's not as terrible as it seems from the outside!

[enemyofperfect]

That is really good advice about practicing a familiar route to let the process of driving itself become automatic, thank you! And for the good wishes, too. That definitely sounds like a hell of a way to learn that you had, but the grocery store, I could maybe just about manage. It helps to know that people do get through this!

[pink_ink]

re: driving
this was such a source of anxiety for me, too, for the longest time. once i had a driving teacher who would actually stay calm and not belittle me, things started to go smoothly. it's so great you found a place specializing on nervous students, hope lessons go well for you!

sfdlkj ;; organizing is so hard. that was my goal for 2019, starting to get organized. i managed, a little, but i still have some unopened boxes from back when i moved in a couple of years ago... i'm getting through them one by one, though. for me, getting started was the hardest part of it.

regular exercise has helped me a lot with dysphoria, too. it makes me feel like i can actually do something about the way i look. it's so hard to find non-gendered and non fat-shaming workout stuff, though! i've found a youtube channel i can work with, but it's been a challenge.

good luck with all your goals!

[enemyofperfect]

Thank you for all the good wishes! Organizing is just... really tough, ugh. At least I don't have to worry about crashing my room while I'm cleaning it, I guess, as compared to the driving. But there are so many Things, and once I pick one Thing to work on, then I have new decisions to make about what to do with it? So overwhelming!

But yeah, exercise can be so good (when I manage to do it) and it's a shame that so much of the media surrounding it is so toxic or just (to me) off-putting! But it's awesome that you've found something that works for you. \o/