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enemyofperfectSome things I dreamed last night:
I've been told that I have weird dreams, but I don't get it. What on earth do the rest of you dream about?
(I will concede that the dream from the night before last about the con artist who felt marginally regretful about her plan to rip off Harold Finch and his new husband, Bucky Barnes, was a little out there.)
- Someone published a book that consisted of a lot of glossy photos of him and his dog cosplaying as Calvin and Hobbes and having adventures. It was pretty cool, actually.
- I had a really earnest conversation with a high-ranking religious official of some kind (I base this on his ornate hat and robes and his air of compassionate dignity) about the fact that I owned and sometimes used a razor. In hindsight, his doubts about this practice don't seem to mesh with his clean-shaven look. Maybe he used a depilatory? Anyway, I'm pretty sure we were on an airship. And maybe in the middle of a murder investigation.
- A guy was telling his female BFF that once they carried out their nefarious plan to wipe out the rest of humanity, they'd have to repopulate the earth, so he thought they should spare his girlfriend, too. And a dude of his BFF's choosing, if she wanted, he added magnanimously.
I've been told that I have weird dreams, but I don't get it. What on earth do the rest of you dream about?
(I will concede that the dream from the night before last about the con artist who felt marginally regretful about her plan to rip off Harold Finch and his new husband, Bucky Barnes, was a little out there.)
no subject
Date: 2014-05-15 08:39 am (UTC)2. I applaud both your taste in misspellings (seriously, "neet" is just an adorable sequence of letters) and your editing ability, because I'm not noticing any typos here! Although possibly that isn't saying much -- I sadly did not manage much sleep last night, and today I had therapy and so have got emotional exhaustion on top of the regular kind. Also, I wrote "laters" instead of "letters" a minute ago. But yeah, hey, this is a babbling-friendly journal! :D
3. I <3 that idea a lot... and maybe if I can catch up on sleep tonight, I can manage actual thoughts tomorrow? I would love to read yours about dreams!
looong...
Date: 2014-05-18 12:44 am (UTC)2. oh dreams, I had a very disturbing one last weekend when I was home from school. And it was made even more disturbing and worrying to me because of how much I didn't worry about it. It was basically an x-rated zombie porno film with dismemberment and lots of bodily fluids flying everywhere. I woke up and was like "what the FUCK."
Hmmm, considering my week, I don't really remember much of my dreams this week. I think it varies on how I'm feeling so eh.
3. huh, we are almost in synch with our therapy stuff too. Had a really 'productive' therapy session with my pain psych. It's actually working out really well, considering that she's actually a psych and I don't have a good record with those.
We apparently touched on one of my big 'issues' because we were talking about automatic thoughts, intermediate beliefs and core beliefs. I was talking about my insecurities and *--slightly heavy emotional shit ahead if you're not up to reading--* how I react to people and she said "It seems that you are very loved." and I started CRYING, a little bit, just tears down the face sort of stuff, but I haven't done that in a while.
Then I get back to home/dorm and I feel fine for a few hours, but then I start feeling like shit again (it's been a really bad week for insecurity surrounding people, so I've been kinda 'emotionally compromised' plus mother's day was last sunday? So yeah.) and some random thing happened, and I had to get outta there,
then I went back to my room, (clean! I've cleaned my room, it's weird) and threw my pillow everywhere. Temper-tantrum sort of stuff except this is me trying to get anxious energy out by activity in a not-directed-towards-other-people-sort-of-way. Then I threw my tennis ball around for a while and then it rolled under my bed and I crawled under it and as I was getting back out from under it, all the emotions just kinda came to a head and I laid on the floor and cried my eyes out half under the bed.
It was actually kind of scary because it brought back memories of my depression before meds where I was just sorta... hollowed out by it. It was one of the most negatively zen feelings in my life. It really was like I was empty. Back then I would lie under the kitchen counter and be kinda empty. And then on Thursday, after I got done crying I just sorta lay on the floor with my cheek on the carpet and didn't feel anything for a little while. It was relaxing and kinda scary.
Then I felt like shit for a little while longer. I always get these silly periods of shame, where I feel like I can't be around people because then they'll know and the sympathy or lack of will cause another bout. And I took an anti-anxiety med and managed to have a decent night the rest of the time. *--End of slightly heavy emotional stuff--*
And then friday was nice, I slept until 2:00pm and spent some time with my dad and his pool instructor. His pool instructor has a rescue greyhound and a rescue whippet and they're both such great dogs, so I cuddled and petted the greyhound a little bit. It's funny, I trust animal people more than I trust other people. ESPECIALLY animal people that will baby-talk to their animals when someone else is there. Especially dudes that will baby-talk their animals in front of other people. My trust-o-meter relies on how people treat animals I guess! lol.
ABOUT YOUR DREAMS:
I love that the religious official was identified by his clothes and "air of compassionate dignity", that just reads really cool to me. And then the BFF dream is AWESOME because there's not enough stories like that in the first place.
HAROLD FINCH AND HIS HUSBAND BUCKY BARNES. THAT'S AMAZING.
Do you find sometimes, in your dreams, that you have an alternate-earth? A lot of times I have dreams, and I know that they are places that I've been before, but they aren't because if I compare the ones that are in 'real life' and the ones that are in 'dream life' they are completely different and the 'dream life' is more skewed towards BIIIIIG things. Like, there's this GIGANTIC mall in my dream-world, which seems to have a costco attached and like five gamestops and a pretty hidden bookstore that seems to move. Also a movie theater and a small place in a nook where cinnabuns are sold. (when I was a little kid malls were like my second home(maybe that's why the mall in my dreams is so big?). I love cinnabun (which was also prominent in the mall I used to go to in the mall where I first lived) and bookstores in malls and gamestops as well are also places I'm pretty familiar with.)
Also I have a dream-place of this gigantic office-building/hotel/apartment building/gym. (I used to go to the YMCA in a city, and when I was in Judo we'd go on long-ish tournament trips where we would stay at hotels)
And a large golden field that I sometimes walk, and sometimes drive, and sometimes move like the Flash, that leads to a mountain where my godparents live that I also camped at once. (I think the golden field represents one of my favorite memories of a summer with my best friend)
And then there's this really hazardous route to a local country fair that my family used to go to every year.
THANKS FOR LETTING ME RAMBLE ABOUT MY ISSUES AND ALSO MY WEIRD-ASS DREAMS.
*hugs*
and now, a disproportionately tiny comment!
Date: 2014-05-19 10:10 am (UTC)the probably by-now-unexpected reply!
Date: 2014-05-31 09:47 am (UTC)Winter Soldier fanfic can take a lot out of a person.
But hello, here I am now! And obviously it's been ages now since your disturbing dream that you were even more worried about because it didn't disturb you more, but still I sympathize. Dreams really are so weird -- I think sometimes there is stuff to learn from them, but also, they just contain so much randomness.
Awww that is totally the sort of thing that'd get tears flowing for me too! <3 And yeah, "emotionally compromised" is a good term. That's kind of where I've been lately -- even when I'm feeling okay, it's a little more precarious than I would like. But I think it's really great that you looked for safe outlets for what you were feeling.
Sometimes when I was really depressed I used to just lie in my room and just... not really be in my body anymore. I mean, it was there, but you know how if you're wearing a jacket that's big enough you can pull your arms in the sleeves and huddle up inside it that way and just leave the sleeves empty? It was like I pulled my self out of most of my body, until the only part that had me in it at all was that I kept my eyes open to stare at the blank ceiling.
Fun times.
Anyway, though, I think it's really natural to feel fragile for a while after having a really intense surge of emotion/wrung-out period afterwards. Or at least, I often do.
I'm glad the day after that was nicer. :D
I'm pretty sure most of my dreams are in alternate universes of some kind -- and that's the ones where I'm even me in them, which is not a given at all. I get buildings that go on forever in mine, too! A lot of the time they're weird complicated houses -- sometimes the house I live in, like I go upstairs and we have seven extra floors, all attic -- but sometimes they're schools or hotels or theaters or palaces or, like, grocery stores.
*hugs* You are totally welcome, you awesome rambler! Also I want you to know that I thought about you on Mother's Day -- I totally failed to say anything, obviously, but I'm glad you got through it even if you maybe did have a kind of rough week. By the way, you still have my email address, don't you? I'm not really that much better at responding to emails than to comments or asks, but that's always an option, jsyk.
<3
Re: the probably by-now-unexpected reply!
Date: 2014-06-08 05:34 am (UTC)I've been very limp and uncommunicative lately. I'm gonna be moving back to my dad's house on friday next week, which will be... strange. I'm starting to get to the point where I don't feel right at home anymore? It's a strange feeling. I'm planning on seriously helping my dad clean up the house this summer though, and wear a lot of tanktops or go shirtless. Maybe get stung by a wasp and find out if I'm allergic or not finally.
I've got an eportfolio to finish by monday that I've whined enough about so I won't do it here.
It's really stuffy in my dorm room and your post of ADHD sent me into a panic really quickly for no reason. I guess it was time to be panicked. It did help me get off my butt and do something today.
I ate breakfast with my friends this morning and then took a two hour nap and woke up thinking it was Sunday for some reason.
I really resonate with your description of your depression. When I describe my depression to people I usually describe it as a time in my life where *I* as an entity that thought and cared about itself, just... didn't exist for a while. And then I got back on my meds and things started hurting again, but the terror of emptiness was enough to make me feel kinda fucked-up grateful for the pain. Like the time I woke up after back surgery and the nurse told me to wiggle my toes and I wiggled my toes and that made the board up my ass worth it. (I don't notice it much anymore except for tiny stuff but when I woke up in the ICU I could feel my spine and those rods in my back for the first time. Like all the nerves were lit up like a Christmas party.
*coughs* Anyway, talk to you soon? How have you been? Having some at least reasonable times? *hugs warmly*
Re: the probably by-now-unexpected reply!
Date: 2014-06-08 10:34 am (UTC)I hope things go okay with wasps! o_o Also, I'm kind of envious of your tank top plan. But happy for you! It does sound strange, to have home stop feeling so home-like, although I guess eventually most of us do find new homes elsewhere.
I'm sorry you got hit by panic after reading the ADHD post -- I guess since you say for no reason, you can't really say why, but still, panic's not much fun. It was so weird for me to read that description, though -- it just feels like such an interesting... possible piece of the puzzle that is me. And the extra interesting thing is that I feel like it might fit a lot of my family members, too, I don't know.
Oh wow, when I was super depressed, not feeling exactly like an "I" of the sort that most people seem to feel like or be was a huge part of it, although I'm not sure if it was the same for me as it was for you -- I think I pretty much kept hurting no matter how far it went, although sometimes that was more distant than others. But it just felt like... like I couldn't keep enough of me awake to really function as a full entity. It felt like being a bundle of broken instincts that didn't add up to anything whole. I don't know. It wasn't the best way to feel.
On the other hand, I've definitely been grateful to be able to hurt emotionally sometimes, because it used to be that I just couldn't handle that at all, so I'd just do my best to turn it off entirely, and that always ended up hurting me so much more in the long run, so being able to let myself feel the hurt when it arises instead of locking it up somewhere so it can just haunt me indefinitely, that's -- well, that's something I still feel really glad of, when I manage it.
That's interesting, in a painful-sounding way, about being able to feel the rods they put in. Kind of randomly, I'm somehow realizing for the first time that your surgery might mean that you know kind of how Harold Finch felt after his -- although obviously you had yours for completely different reasons, so I don't know how much it'd really compare.
*hugs back* I think I'm in the stage of overwhelmed where it's hard for me to keep track of my life much farther back than a day. But yeah, there's been some reasonable times, thank you for asking. <3 A few people liked a thing I posted, which is nice, and I've had some good interactions with family, which is good even if it's also been a bit much for introvert me. Plus something else that's turned everything in my head up to eleven is that a trans guy showed up on a show I watch, which, you know, never happens. I think I need to watch that episode like three more times minimum; I can't even figure out how I feel about it, I just know that I'm feeling A LOT OF THINGS. *flail*