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enemyofperfectI wonder if I'm moving into a depressed period. It seems awfully early for it if it's seasonal -- we're still days away from September, let alone the equinox! -- but it dawns on me that while it's completely ordinary for me to hesitate to speak for fear that whatever I say might be wrong, or to freeze like the proverbial deer in headlights, there has lately been an added sleepy reluctance to my thoughts that feels less like anxiety and more like depression.
Which would also fit with my mild inability to imagine the future in positive terms, or possibly at all.
(For those of you skilled at detecting even trace amounts of suicidal ideation: yeah. Only trace amounts, though. For those who hadn't considered the possibility but may now feel alarmed: I appreciate it, but there's really no need. This is pretty well-mapped territory for me, and I know where the sinkholes are. I will find a way to be okay.)
It would also fit with being told the other day that I sounded like I did last winter, come to think of it. I don't really remember how I felt last winter, not in general; I'm pretty sure I did some things I felt good about and felt frustrated and unhappy about other things, but it's hard for me to get a sense of where I was overall. Apparently I didn't seem to feel entirely great, though. So that's another data point.
If this does prove to be more than a transient wobble, I'm going to have to rearrange my coping mechanisms again -- rely less on nervous energy, remember how to use resignation to my advantage, that sort of thing. I feel exhausted just thinking about it, frankly, but identifying the problem is the first step towards addressing it.
And we'll see how I feel in a few days, in any case.
Which would also fit with my mild inability to imagine the future in positive terms, or possibly at all.
(For those of you skilled at detecting even trace amounts of suicidal ideation: yeah. Only trace amounts, though. For those who hadn't considered the possibility but may now feel alarmed: I appreciate it, but there's really no need. This is pretty well-mapped territory for me, and I know where the sinkholes are. I will find a way to be okay.)
It would also fit with being told the other day that I sounded like I did last winter, come to think of it. I don't really remember how I felt last winter, not in general; I'm pretty sure I did some things I felt good about and felt frustrated and unhappy about other things, but it's hard for me to get a sense of where I was overall. Apparently I didn't seem to feel entirely great, though. So that's another data point.
If this does prove to be more than a transient wobble, I'm going to have to rearrange my coping mechanisms again -- rely less on nervous energy, remember how to use resignation to my advantage, that sort of thing. I feel exhausted just thinking about it, frankly, but identifying the problem is the first step towards addressing it.
And we'll see how I feel in a few days, in any case.
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Date: 2013-09-20 09:34 am (UTC)(I may be erratic, but I try to at least be relevant!)
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Date: 2013-09-20 10:09 am (UTC)I'm either doing fairly all right at the moment or failing to notice that I'm doing less than all right, which... so far so good, I guess? It'd be nice if it was just going to be clear sailing from here on out, but past history suggests that that's moderately unlikely, so I'm choosing to interpret the feelings prompting this post as akin to a momentary dimming of theater lights towards the end of an intermission -- i.e., a courteous warning.
I mean, I guess I'm kind of downplaying the bit where intermittently I will experience actual despair over, like, the fact that some TV shows I like are starting up again soon, and watching them will require energy, and... Uh, yeah, so I'm downplaying some things. But on the other hand, I'm safely free of anhedonia and I got through several days of miserable illness without even fleetingly wishing for death, so -- hey! Bright side!
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Date: 2013-09-20 10:42 am (UTC)I mean, that's ... a place to start? For things?
I'm out of reassurances that sound reassuring for tonight, evidently. Would you like some peanut M&Ms to go with your sandwich, though? (Food is love and I would totally share.)
I'm choosing to interpret the feelings prompting this post as akin to a momentary dimming of theater lights towards the end of an intermission -- i.e., a courteous warning.
This is genius and I admire you so much because that's exactly the way it is, yes.
In a TOTALLY UNRELATED THING, I would like to know your blood type so that if you ever need a transfusion, I'll know whether I should rush on over to wherever it is EOP hangs out to donate blood specifically to you. NO I'M NOT HAVING CREEPY AWESOME FANTASIES ABOUT MY BLOOD RUNNING THROUGH YOUR VEINS although I am A- so if you're AB or A let's just have a chat, you know, it would be kiiiiinda raaaad, right? Right?
(Shit, is my love getting too stalker again?)
I'm kind of downplaying the bit where intermittently I will experience actual despair over, like, the fact that some TV shows I like are starting up again soon, and watching them will require energy
I downplay shit like this all the time. I think it's normal, after your brain has been broken for a while, to just be like ... look, even things I like are still things I have to deal with, and I don't actually have the energy to deal with things, so fuck off, everything. There's no shame in that—okay inevitably there's shame in that, but I see no reason for there to ACTUALLY be shame in that, because it's NATURAL.
One of the things I like to repeat to myself when I'm feeling particularly insane is that I am having a normal reaction to an abnormal situation. This is very helpful for some reason, and also completely free of context so I can use it all the time!
Abnormal situation of BRAIN CHEMISTRY. Abnormal situation of GETTING CAUGHT SHOPLIFTING. Abnormal situation of TALKING TO MY MOTHER. See? Normal for me is sitting at my computer reading fanfic. Everything else my body interprets as CODE RED WE'RE ALL GOING TO DIE. Yet simply acknowledging this feels extremely reassuring, so apparently I do have some reassuring sentences left over after all. <3 <3 <3
never too stalker bb you're gr8
Date: 2013-09-24 11:20 am (UTC)So, in conclusion: Virtual peanut M&Ms are definitely love. Thank you. <3