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enemyofperfectHaving an anxiety disorder is like juggling angry weasels.
It's like juggling angry weasels all the time. And okay, it turns out that with enough practice, you can get pretty good at anything, even weasel-juggling? But that doesn't mean it doesn't make things difficult.
Like, you can never just pick up a book and read it. Instead it has to be, okay, all three weasels up in the air, time to turn the page and quick catch the weasels again -- yes, excellent, weasels successfully caught! Now read a paragraph. Now look up to make sure the weasels aren't writhing out of control. Good, good. Now read another few paragraphs -- whoops, and there we are with the writhing, damn it, weasels!
( cut for metaphorical weasel violence and all-caps cursing )
Or like you're talking to someone and they're saying something and their sentence ends, "...so what do you think?" And you think, there are at least three things in there I want to address, and the first of them is -- really, with the teeth, weasel, did you honestly have to -- the first of them is that -- oh, so now you're trying to escape? And now you're all trying to escape, thank you, that's exactly what I needed, and don't even pretend you won't feast on our ankles if I let you go, because we've been here before and I know your ways -- but getting back to my train of thought, the first and probably most important thing to mention here is that-- And then you just give up and say, "I'm sorry, I really don't know if I can offer much of an opinion." Which of course is true, but -- even so.
Or maybe one of the worst is if someone's just like "hey, could you pass me the thing, that one by your elbow right there?" And you're like, "sure, I will do that in one moment, I just need to be careful so that I don't OH FUCK I DID IT, I'M SO SORRY, I PASSED YOU AN ANGRY WEASEL BY MISTAKE, I WAS TRYING NOT TO DO IT BUT I DID. Oh fucking weasel hell -- please let me help you pry it off your face?"
I hate it when I accidentally let one of my weasels gnaw on someone else's face. My weasels are my responsibility. They shouldn't be chewing on anyone other than me! And not even me, preferably -- hence the ongoing parlor trick with the hand-eye coordination and the attempts to minimize mustelid-inflicted bloodshed.
But even when I do have the weasels mostly under control, it's just--
Sometimes I just get so tired of all the juggling.
(h/t tostaranise -- lexicon -- and Joss Whedon -- episode context and quote)
It's like juggling angry weasels all the time. And okay, it turns out that with enough practice, you can get pretty good at anything, even weasel-juggling? But that doesn't mean it doesn't make things difficult.
Like, you can never just pick up a book and read it. Instead it has to be, okay, all three weasels up in the air, time to turn the page and quick catch the weasels again -- yes, excellent, weasels successfully caught! Now read a paragraph. Now look up to make sure the weasels aren't writhing out of control. Good, good. Now read another few paragraphs -- whoops, and there we are with the writhing, damn it, weasels!
( cut for metaphorical weasel violence and all-caps cursing )
Or like you're talking to someone and they're saying something and their sentence ends, "...so what do you think?" And you think, there are at least three things in there I want to address, and the first of them is -- really, with the teeth, weasel, did you honestly have to -- the first of them is that -- oh, so now you're trying to escape? And now you're all trying to escape, thank you, that's exactly what I needed, and don't even pretend you won't feast on our ankles if I let you go, because we've been here before and I know your ways -- but getting back to my train of thought, the first and probably most important thing to mention here is that-- And then you just give up and say, "I'm sorry, I really don't know if I can offer much of an opinion." Which of course is true, but -- even so.
Or maybe one of the worst is if someone's just like "hey, could you pass me the thing, that one by your elbow right there?" And you're like, "sure, I will do that in one moment, I just need to be careful so that I don't OH FUCK I DID IT, I'M SO SORRY, I PASSED YOU AN ANGRY WEASEL BY MISTAKE, I WAS TRYING NOT TO DO IT BUT I DID. Oh fucking weasel hell -- please let me help you pry it off your face?"
I hate it when I accidentally let one of my weasels gnaw on someone else's face. My weasels are my responsibility. They shouldn't be chewing on anyone other than me! And not even me, preferably -- hence the ongoing parlor trick with the hand-eye coordination and the attempts to minimize mustelid-inflicted bloodshed.
But even when I do have the weasels mostly under control, it's just--
Sometimes I just get so tired of all the juggling.
(h/t to
staranise -- lexicon -- and Joss Whedon -- episode context and quote)
no subject
Date: 2013-06-01 10:38 pm (UTC)I could compare myself to a hopeful turtle. But a hopeful turtle that never comes out of his shell. He pokes his head out "Is it okay now? I think it's gonna be O- NOPE NOT OKAY, FULL RETREAT." And back in he goes.
I hate school. I hate the US's schools and how they 'think' schools 'should be' or 'should teach' or what THEY think 'everyone should know, and they should only be able to learn these specific things in these specific ways oh and we're also gonna suck you dry!' or 'you'll ONLY be successful in life if you have THIS degree and THIS experience and THIS AMOUNT OF MONEY THAT GUESS WHAT? YOU AREN'T GONNA HAVE BY THE TIME YOU GET 'THIS' DEGREE AND THAT YOU MIGHT SPEND THE REST OF YOUR LIFE PAYING OFF.' *unamused with the educational system*
*Also really disappointed in patriarchy and discrimination against people with mental illness and the 'definition' of 'normal' -which is a word I honestly don't think should be used outside of MAYBE the medical profession-*
Dammit, I'm turning into an angry person, and I don't wanna be angry!
no subject
Date: 2013-06-02 07:24 pm (UTC)Except that you kind of need your feet unbitten, actually.
no subject
Date: 2013-06-03 04:53 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2013-06-03 05:14 am (UTC)I'm sorry school's treating you rough. And ugh, discrimination is awful, clearly. /o\ I'm totally being a turtle these days, just hiding from huge amounts of the world, because it's scary and frustrating and I don't even know. I wish people could find a way to just do whatever leads to happiness for them, without giving other people a hard time for no reason.
I don't enjoy feeling angry, I'm sorry if it's been happening a lot for you. Also though, thank you for the random hugs! Because they've brightened my evening. <3
no subject
Date: 2013-06-03 05:28 am (UTC)It's difficult.
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Date: 2013-06-03 11:36 pm (UTC)I really really really agree with this! I think a lot of what people have trouble with is finding the way to happiness, a lot of the time it's like a centuries overgrown weedy path and people feel like maybe they can reach their path by cutting down other people's forests or ripping up their carefully cultivated delicate and rare flowers. Then the rippers wonder why their path is even more tangled then before... :(
And it's not like current society (in the U.S.) is making it any easier for people to find their paths. Often before we've even started on our path we're deterred by a bunch of flashy signs and screaming idiots/jerks.
Has someone been giving you a hard time? *rolls up sleeves* Do I need to convince someone of their wrongness? :)
no subject
Date: 2013-06-04 04:16 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2013-06-04 09:29 am (UTC)I think you're right about a lot of why people mess up other people's paths to happiness. I mean, it's hard to believe that most of them actively set out to make other people's lives harder just because they can. And if it were a simple matter to work out that there are better uses of your time, intelligence ought to offer some kind of immunity, but it really doesn't seem to. My best guess -- from observing the workings behind some of the less pleasant attitudes I've held over the years -- is that habit and fear can make insight pretty inaccessible.
Really though, I feel like a pretty hopeful turtle at the moment. And I'm a turtle with some really nice friends. :)
no subject
Date: 2013-06-04 09:31 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2013-09-20 09:36 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2013-09-20 10:11 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2013-09-20 10:46 am (UTC)apparently I was living in manicured lawn heaven before, because now that I live ON THE WRRRRRRONG SIDE OF THE TRACKS (haha literally), I'm seeing Rodentia and Lagomorphia EVERYWHERE and they are KILLING THE SHIT out of those things. It's kinda creepy. So far the tally stands at: Beagles 4. Dachshund/chihuahua... 0 but he may have found a baby mole when I was not paying attention and then the beagles killed it so IDK that's like 1/2? Actual Wildlife: 0.
Also, I've seen like 12 deer in the last few days. Just hanging out on the side of the road, chewin'. FUCKING DEER. STOP MAKING ME GO THE SPEED LIMIT DOWN TREE-LINED STREETS DUE TO FEAR OF YOU HITTING MY CAR.
I don't remember what the purpose of this comment originally was but I'm too sleep deprived to think it's anything but brilliant, so I'm hitting post now.
no subject
Date: 2013-09-20 10:46 am (UTC)A NEED FOR SPEED
no subject
Date: 2013-09-20 11:03 am (UTC)My boundless love for all living beings compels me to sympathize with the small non-metaphorical mammals your (adorable & precious, obvs) dogs are heartlessly slaughtering, but I am also so sheltered that despite the clear inconvenience these heedless deer present, I am all like OMG YOU SEE DEER ALL THE TIME??? THAT'S SO AWESOME I SEE DEER HARDLY EVER :D :D :D :D
Sleep deprivation is awesome, except for the part where it's really not, but your comments are clearly brilliant, so that's a real point in its favor, I feel.
baby sloths fall out of trees sometimez b/c mistakes happen and they're too slow to catch themselves
Date: 2013-09-20 11:18 am (UTC)seriously deer can go fuck themselves. Josh says he used to be confused as to why everyone in Iowa referred to them like they were just giant rats and now he understands :D :D :D
well, tonight's sleep deprivation IS my fault, i went to bed forgetting i'd told leigh (
but the general sleep deprivation is NOT my fault! it's the fault of the fibromyawesome. (no? no. sigh. trying out new words for it.)
I think falling out of trees in slow motion is the story of my entire life
Date: 2013-09-21 11:06 am (UTC)Honestly, I'm not sure how you could deny your dogs the pleasure of accidentally breaking small meat-creatures even if you wanted to; I mean, I couldn't even keep my dog from eating rocks.
Sleep deprivation is seriously terrible (if sometimes hilarious) and you will ALWAYS have my sympathy, whether or not it's quote-unquote your fault. D:
Argh, what is sleep, though? How does it work? I mean right now -- okay, right now I need to shower and go to bed -- but I'm operating on something like eight solid hours of sleep, and mostly I feel sort of congealed. Whereas yesterday I had two naps in the 2-3 hr range and I seem to remember feeling... somewhat more alive? I just feel like this is weird. And/or unjust.