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enemyofperfectHaving an anxiety disorder is like juggling angry weasels.
It's like juggling angry weasels all the time. And okay, it turns out that with enough practice, you can get pretty good at anything, even weasel-juggling? But that doesn't mean it doesn't make things difficult.
Like, you can never just pick up a book and read it. Instead it has to be, okay, all three weasels up in the air, time to turn the page and quick catch the weasels again -- yes, excellent, weasels successfully caught! Now read a paragraph. Now look up to make sure the weasels aren't writhing out of control. Good, good. Now read another few paragraphs -- whoops, and there we are with the writhing, damn it, weasels!
( cut for metaphorical weasel violence and all-caps cursing )
Or like you're talking to someone and they're saying something and their sentence ends, "...so what do you think?" And you think, there are at least three things in there I want to address, and the first of them is -- really, with the teeth, weasel, did you honestly have to -- the first of them is that -- oh, so now you're trying to escape? And now you're all trying to escape, thank you, that's exactly what I needed, and don't even pretend you won't feast on our ankles if I let you go, because we've been here before and I know your ways -- but getting back to my train of thought, the first and probably most important thing to mention here is that-- And then you just give up and say, "I'm sorry, I really don't know if I can offer much of an opinion." Which of course is true, but -- even so.
Or maybe one of the worst is if someone's just like "hey, could you pass me the thing, that one by your elbow right there?" And you're like, "sure, I will do that in one moment, I just need to be careful so that I don't OH FUCK I DID IT, I'M SO SORRY, I PASSED YOU AN ANGRY WEASEL BY MISTAKE, I WAS TRYING NOT TO DO IT BUT I DID. Oh fucking weasel hell -- please let me help you pry it off your face?"
I hate it when I accidentally let one of my weasels gnaw on someone else's face. My weasels are my responsibility. They shouldn't be chewing on anyone other than me! And not even me, preferably -- hence the ongoing parlor trick with the hand-eye coordination and the attempts to minimize mustelid-inflicted bloodshed.
But even when I do have the weasels mostly under control, it's just--
Sometimes I just get so tired of all the juggling.
(h/t tostaranise -- lexicon -- and Joss Whedon -- episode context and quote)
It's like juggling angry weasels all the time. And okay, it turns out that with enough practice, you can get pretty good at anything, even weasel-juggling? But that doesn't mean it doesn't make things difficult.
Like, you can never just pick up a book and read it. Instead it has to be, okay, all three weasels up in the air, time to turn the page and quick catch the weasels again -- yes, excellent, weasels successfully caught! Now read a paragraph. Now look up to make sure the weasels aren't writhing out of control. Good, good. Now read another few paragraphs -- whoops, and there we are with the writhing, damn it, weasels!
( cut for metaphorical weasel violence and all-caps cursing )
Or like you're talking to someone and they're saying something and their sentence ends, "...so what do you think?" And you think, there are at least three things in there I want to address, and the first of them is -- really, with the teeth, weasel, did you honestly have to -- the first of them is that -- oh, so now you're trying to escape? And now you're all trying to escape, thank you, that's exactly what I needed, and don't even pretend you won't feast on our ankles if I let you go, because we've been here before and I know your ways -- but getting back to my train of thought, the first and probably most important thing to mention here is that-- And then you just give up and say, "I'm sorry, I really don't know if I can offer much of an opinion." Which of course is true, but -- even so.
Or maybe one of the worst is if someone's just like "hey, could you pass me the thing, that one by your elbow right there?" And you're like, "sure, I will do that in one moment, I just need to be careful so that I don't OH FUCK I DID IT, I'M SO SORRY, I PASSED YOU AN ANGRY WEASEL BY MISTAKE, I WAS TRYING NOT TO DO IT BUT I DID. Oh fucking weasel hell -- please let me help you pry it off your face?"
I hate it when I accidentally let one of my weasels gnaw on someone else's face. My weasels are my responsibility. They shouldn't be chewing on anyone other than me! And not even me, preferably -- hence the ongoing parlor trick with the hand-eye coordination and the attempts to minimize mustelid-inflicted bloodshed.
But even when I do have the weasels mostly under control, it's just--
Sometimes I just get so tired of all the juggling.
(h/t to
staranise -- lexicon -- and Joss Whedon -- episode context and quote)
no subject
Date: 2013-06-03 04:53 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2013-06-03 05:14 am (UTC)I'm sorry school's treating you rough. And ugh, discrimination is awful, clearly. /o\ I'm totally being a turtle these days, just hiding from huge amounts of the world, because it's scary and frustrating and I don't even know. I wish people could find a way to just do whatever leads to happiness for them, without giving other people a hard time for no reason.
I don't enjoy feeling angry, I'm sorry if it's been happening a lot for you. Also though, thank you for the random hugs! Because they've brightened my evening. <3
no subject
Date: 2013-06-03 11:36 pm (UTC)I really really really agree with this! I think a lot of what people have trouble with is finding the way to happiness, a lot of the time it's like a centuries overgrown weedy path and people feel like maybe they can reach their path by cutting down other people's forests or ripping up their carefully cultivated delicate and rare flowers. Then the rippers wonder why their path is even more tangled then before... :(
And it's not like current society (in the U.S.) is making it any easier for people to find their paths. Often before we've even started on our path we're deterred by a bunch of flashy signs and screaming idiots/jerks.
Has someone been giving you a hard time? *rolls up sleeves* Do I need to convince someone of their wrongness? :)
no subject
Date: 2013-06-04 09:29 am (UTC)I think you're right about a lot of why people mess up other people's paths to happiness. I mean, it's hard to believe that most of them actively set out to make other people's lives harder just because they can. And if it were a simple matter to work out that there are better uses of your time, intelligence ought to offer some kind of immunity, but it really doesn't seem to. My best guess -- from observing the workings behind some of the less pleasant attitudes I've held over the years -- is that habit and fear can make insight pretty inaccessible.
Really though, I feel like a pretty hopeful turtle at the moment. And I'm a turtle with some really nice friends. :)