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Random musing
Jul. 20th, 2012 07:10 pmI think it can be cruel to try to offer someone hope without also giving them permission to feel as much unhappiness, hurt, and fear as they need to.
Not that I think the cruelty is at all intentional! From the hope-bearer's perspective, they're saying, "Good news -- happiness awaits!" And who wouldn't want to hear that? But from the unhopeful one's point of view, the message can sound more like, "Your troubles have rendered you unacceptable; only once you have washed yourself clean of their stain can you enter the realm of worthwhile human beings." Because when you're already unhappy, it's easy to blame yourself for how you feel, and if someone suggests changing those feelings, without at the same time acknowledging their validity, it can seem like they find you blameworthy, too. Which is somewhat upsetting.
I think this is a situation I've seen from both sides.
Not that I think the cruelty is at all intentional! From the hope-bearer's perspective, they're saying, "Good news -- happiness awaits!" And who wouldn't want to hear that? But from the unhopeful one's point of view, the message can sound more like, "Your troubles have rendered you unacceptable; only once you have washed yourself clean of their stain can you enter the realm of worthwhile human beings." Because when you're already unhappy, it's easy to blame yourself for how you feel, and if someone suggests changing those feelings, without at the same time acknowledging their validity, it can seem like they find you blameworthy, too. Which is somewhat upsetting.
I think this is a situation I've seen from both sides.
