inexpressibly tired yet still faintly elated

[enemyofperfect]

After accidentally spending four straight hours developing a story idea when I should have been sleeping (please don't get your hopes up, anyone, since the chances of me actually writing this approximate zero (emef, "anyone" means you (yes it is Person of Interest))), I again contemplate the eternal question: am I actually manic, or just a writer?

In other news, I learned... yesterday... that not only does such a thing as spreadable cookie paste exist, this inexplicable substance is actually vegan. I have not come to any conclusions about what to do with this information.

I will now become unconscious for a time.

Comments

[emef]

Spreadable cookie paste sounds gross. I think it's the combination of the words "cookie" and "paste" that just... ew.

[enemyofperfect]

My first thought was that it was too decadent -- one may, conceivably, spread things on cookies, but to make cookies themselves into a spread seems to fly in the face of all that is natural and right.

But the more I think about it, the more it takes on an uncanny logic of its own. Peanut butter and hazelnut butter and sunflower seed butter are all things that exist, and they consist of ground seeds, often with added sugar. And these cookies are made primarily out of ground wheat, which is also a kind of seed -- so is it really so different? Reason says no, but emotion says, cookies!

I remain as irresolute as I did this morning.

[catharsis_logs]

Can you be manic AND a writer? I don't think either is so bad (and I love the writer part for myself at least) but I completely empathize with the "chance of me actually writing this approximate zero" woe. (though I too, along with emef would be willing to read anything you write. I don't know if I ever commented on your fic that you shared with me but it was good and just really flowed right with my reader's mind.)

OH MY GOSH, that cookie spread is SO GOOD. I found it at Costco with my dad during winter this year and have been showing it all to my friends and having them taste it and agree with me that such a thing is a miracle of foodstuffs.

At least inexpressibly tired is made slightly better by being faintly elated? *hugs* Glad that elation is there on some level. <3 :)

[enemyofperfect]

Oh, manic and a writer is absolutely a possibility! It's just an ongoing point of interest to me whether or not my depression is unipolar, and since I've never had much of a baseline for what just an ordinary mood looks like, sometimes I feel like it's hard to tell.

I can't remember if you ever commented on the fic either, but thank you so much for your kind words now. <3 And for the sympathy, too. Oh, writing. But yes, the faint elation was very nice.

I have actually tasted the cookie spread now! What do you put it on, or do you just eat it plain? I thought maybe it wouldn't actually taste like cookies, but no, it very definitely does -- cookies you have to eat with a spoon. I can't quite decide what I think of it! But I will admit to a certain temptation to find some of the cookies it's made of and make sandwiches that are just cookie all the way through.

[catharsis_logs]

Ugh, knowing what 'ordinary moods' look like is an impossibility I think even for those of us whose brain chemistry isn't fucking us over.

I'm going through the writerly syndrome of "Oh, if I just find the perfect space, or the perfect time, etc. I can write such great things! but not now!" and I need to get out of it. I can make my surroundings better, but I shouldn't keep myself from writing because of them.

Just... dedication is hard for me. A lot of the values instilled in me by adults I admired emphasized hard work and dedication of lots of time. Part of me does and doesn't want to spend all of that time and hard work, it's intimidating. I'm slowly working on my motivation and determination/dedication but it's an uphill battle AKA: really frikkin' hard.

I eat the cookie spread on one slice of bread with the other slice of bread not spread with it into a sandwich is perfect. I can't really eat it plain, I can sample it in small doses but it gets overwhelming and actually gross if I have too much of it. It's like my system gets overwhelmed by the flavor/sweetness and starts to be like, hey, this stuff is gross. We need to stop eating this. XD I would try shortbread-butter cookies with your cookie-all-the-way-through recipe. And just a really thin layer of the spread. Of course it all depends on how you like it and how much your body can handle. My sweet tooth certainly isn't gonna look sideways at someone else. :D

[enemyofperfect]

I so admire your determination to increase your determination! I'm still in more of a space where I need to give myself permission to not write if I can't write than a space where it's time to stop making excuses, but that thing about improving your working space but also writing anyway in the meantime? I salute you!

Hmm, I wonder if I'd like this spread on some kind of thick whole wheat or multigrain bread, something to balance it. It's a little hard for me to think of cookie anything and bread as going together, but if the bread is strong enough to hold its own, so to speak, that could be a cool combination. I would totally make sandwiches purely out of solid and spreadable versions of this stuff if I had them both, though. I mean, I don't know if I'd make myself sick or not, but some things are worth the risk. :D